Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
