Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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