just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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