Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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