Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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