Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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