I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
