Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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