Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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