It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
