Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
