if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The air was thick with penises
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
