I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
