Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
