Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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