What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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