Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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