i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
