...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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