I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
