soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
whose parrot is this?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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