When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
