At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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