i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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