Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
