Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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