I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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