just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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