Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
