i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize