When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
