I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
