I wish I could teleport
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
