So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
