return my video game
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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