my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
