I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize