I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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