Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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