If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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