I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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