I accidentally had phone sex last night
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
