Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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