Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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