I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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