I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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