Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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