I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
