foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
