Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize