Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
