just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
