He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
