she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
