Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
