the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
