Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
