I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
