i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
