Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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