four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
