so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize