i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
