you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
