Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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