Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
