Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
