do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Who died my cat blue again?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
